Developmentally Advanced

I have a child who has strong mathematical skills.  I have another child who has cornered the market on energy and work - perhaps a future phycisist? My point is that all of my children have areas where they are talented and advanced and areas that are a bit harder for them.

I have no idea why or what convinced God that it was a good idea, but it appears that my daughter is, ahem, gifted in a more physical arena.

I remember being a bit amused when at the age 2, she was very curious about the body part known as nipple.  She wanted the word and then she commented on them anytime my husband had his shirt off.

Since then, she has shown marked curious about the human body, particularly hers and mine.  "Okay," I thought, "I just need to have the 'this is how your body develops' speech soon."

Apparently I should have had it yesterday (as in yesterday several months ago) because she is currently all about the "china" and has had more than one conversation with her young female cousin on how the china feels good when it is rubbed.

What to do, what to do.

I don't know.

For me, I didn't really think about my china until I was a teenager.  Okay, maybe a fleeting thought.  But I remember being in my 20's and listening to friends talking about discoveries similar to my daughter's when they were in grade school and that is so not my recollection.

Any thoughts?

I'm big on the whole, "It's normal" and fully believe that girls should get to explore their bodies every bit as much as little boys do but I really would like her to have two hands or, perhaps more aptly, not to be quite so good at the hula.

O Mother, Where Art Thou?

I have noticed that when I get fits of depression, they often gravitate toward the existential kind.  Of late, I have been quite. . . uncertain about life and the next life as well.  Part of my discontent has been my marriage - this year has been a bittersweet year.  It's been remarkably blessed with some very sweet moments and also in the fact that our disagreements, after 12 years of marriage, have been distilled to the root of the matter instead of all those blasted leaves.  It's been difficult in trying to work together (something we've NEVER done well) and in discovering that the roots of our matters are very, VERY different.  Irreconcilably different.  And yet we still desire to be together and to keep our marriage strong.

My point, though, is that this bittersweet year has got me thinking about who I am as a woman and what marriage means and what is my place in it.  Believing my marriage to be an eternal bond, what does this say about my situation/life in the eternities?  I appreciate that in the eternities I will be a better person, a complete and holy person, and so will my husband.  Perhaps that will make all the difference.  But I am still uncertain as to what that means.

I feel as though when I contemplate the next life, I can glean some information from my Heavenly Father and from Jesus.  But at the end of the day, they are men.  They hold the priesthood.  They are the kings of a patriarchal setup.

So where does that leave me since I definitely don't have a penis and have no desires to acquire one?

I have been wondering about my Heavenly Mother and wondering about what she does.  It seems so counter to the spirit and to who I believe Heavenly Father to be that Mother would just be a spirit child making shadow, flitting about in the background but never doing anything of substance for Her children.  My heart despairs of that being my eternal lot.

And yet I find it hard to combat the fact that, from my belief's standpoint, the heavens are so silent as to who She is and what She does.  All the prophets have said is that She exists, which in and of itself is a great comfort to me.

And I sorrow at the fact that She seems to have no investment in my mortal pains.  My Savior is here and so is my Father, but where is my Mother?

Am I doomed to be as silent as She?

Montessori Musings

What can I say? I'm enjoying alliteration these days.

My oldest, Rafe, is finishing elementary school this year and should be enrolling in the local middle school come fall.  However, I have been feeling unenthused about the middle school (it probably hasn't helped that I'm still not certain where the building is actually located) and was wanting something different for Rafe.  We'd been tossing around the idea of homeschooling him since we moved; Alaska has some great homeschool programs that assist with the planning and help fund homeschooling so that the first $1800 of supplies and programs I used would be paid for.  I think Rafe would enjoy homeschooling but there's a slight hitch: I work.  And since we've moved north, I'm working more hours than ever (for the same pay - ah, the glory of owning your own business).  I'm usually home by the time they get home from school but, clearly, I wouldn't be able to work, spend hours homeschooling, be there to help my other kids when they got home from school or homeschool all three children, and then accomplish the other zillion things I like to do in a day.  I know, I know.  You thought I was Wonder Woman and now you are crushed.  I am so sorry.  I guess I'll have to return the Lasso of Truth.  Damn.

While engaged in contemplating my navel the future, I stumbled upon a flier for an upcoming open house at an alternative district school. I dragged encouraged my homeschooling SIL to go with me and I was impressed with the presentation.  I even attended last Tuesday to observe the three different classrooms (a 1-3, 4-6 and 7-8).

The school is a Montessori program (I'm sure you gathered that from the title because you are so brilliant) and I loved the setup of the classrooms and the flexibility of the curriculum.  The class sizes are much smaller (at least half of what the regular school would be) and the kids actually get 1/2 an hour for lunch.  It's the little things that matter.  I think there will be a lot of benefits to my children attending this school.

So what's the problem?

I. hate. change.

I know.  It's shocking after my ready acceptance of moving my family over a thousand miles to the north, but it's true.  Moreover, I get nervous whenever I step outside of the mainstream unless I am certain of my path.  DH's sister once said that I like to get all my information in black and white and then say, "Hmmm...thanks.  I'll think about it."  So choosing a such a different educational style, even though I'm unsatisfied with the mainstream option, has been given me waves of anxiety.

A dear friend asked me why I was struggling with the idea so much as I, quite enthusiastically, attended St. John's College and enjoyed their great books program.  To which I replied, "If I make a mistake in my life, it's one thing, but if I make a mistake with my children's lives, that's another."

To sum: I hate change and I hate the idea of being wrong and I hate the idea of being different unless I'm sure that I'm right and mother guilt.  Ugh.

Again with the sticking my neck out.  Again with the brave helmeted mouse trying to steal the cheese from the trap.  At least that's how I'm feeling.

But I did it.  In a fit of rightness and passion, I signed the applications and mailed them off.  Now I just have to wait a month to see if my children were accepted in the first lottery. . . .

PS - I know this was a rough post.  All I can say is that my skills for making my mundane insanity amusing have waned a bit during the break.  Here's hoping they'll return....and rapidly!

Lenten Learnings

The drought has ended and I can now begin to write all the random thoughts that pop into my head on an hourly basis.

Easter was fabulous; General Conference was amazing and it was a lovely way to start Easter - lounging in our pj's, kids blitzed out on chocolate and prophets and apostles speaking in the living room; I love cable.

My Lent experience was different than I expected.  I learned something about myself and about Lent.  First, I love facebook.  I have missed hearing about my friends and connecting, even in just short little blurps.  I also missed all these darn blogs.  I miss my computer friends.  In all, I don't think I'm going to give up all my internet passtimes again, but I think it was a good thing to give up once.

Secondly, I have learned that Lent is a lot like fasting; it's less about what you're giving up and more about what you are replacing it with.  While I found that I had more time in general and my husband complained less on my being plugged into a computer, I didn't feel more overtly spiritual than I do on any other given day of the year.  I found that I need to be better about adding the spiritual components to my life - in particular, regular prayer and scripture study. 

Thirdly, I discovered that the pangs of Lent are similar to the pangs of fasting in that they remind me, "Hey - shouldn't you be thinking about God?"  And I loved that.  I find myself having more conversations with God throughout the day and I have found myself - while not quite perfectly regular in regards to the prayer and scripture study - more attentive to that part of my life.

So, moving forward, I am back on Facebook and back here and even back robbing people on Mafia Wars - although I must admit that some of the appeal of that game has waned.  And I am still having convoluted and dramatically crushing thoughts that I would love to share....but not this morning.  I'm finding myself a bit to drained and I'm sure that whatever I typed would come out being overly maudalin, even for me.

Complete Radio Silence

There is so much to say - like the fact that I got a helluva speeding ticket today while taking my kids to the dentist and the fact that Q just turned 9 - BUT....

Today is Ash Wednesday.  I'm not Catholic.  Robert's family is, but we, are not.

However, I love Lent.  I love the whole idea of sacrificing something to increase the level of penitence and to draw nearer to Jesus during this time.

So, what do I give up?  Sadly, for all of you who hang on my every word, I am giving up the internet; no games, no Facebook, NO MAFIA WARS (I feel the withdrawal pains already) and no blog and no reading blogs (lest you wonder where all my scintillating comments have gone).

I'm hoping that I can not only give up these time suckers but that I will then use that time to work on my ecclesiastical studies and prayers.

Who knows.

At any rate, hugs, smooches and the occasional grope - I'll be back in April.

An Asstastic Update

Because I know that you all have been on the edges on your seat....not only did I lose THE VERY FIRST WEEK, but I came it dead last, butt last, if you will.

I thought I got 5% of the vote, but no.  I got a whopping 5 votes (thank you my peeps) for a total of 2% of the vote.

Yeah.  Thank goodness my husband adores my ass.

Happily, my humiliation of publicly posting my bum has now ended.....and I can get on to debating the weightier matters of life.

5 Minutes a Day

That's what we're adding: five minutes each day  That's over a half-an-hour by the end of the week  *bliss*

This morning, the sky was light by 7am and at 5 this afternoon, there was still light in the sky.  Will wonders never cease?

I am so looking forward to the equinox and the wonderful unbalanced share of light we will be getting in the far north.

BTB, I've also finally realized, after 34+ years of staring down the channel at the same view, that the sun here rises more in the S, maybe SSSW.  Which explains why even when there is sunshine, none of it falls on my face; the sun never rises behind the mountain at my back.  Now, however, it is rising somewhere in the SW and I swear I have actually seen a beam of light on my side of the mountain.  Yea.