This week has been unusually hard. I'm prone to drama - I know, I recognize but I also must admit: I can't stop it. I try and breathe. I try and think. But ultimately, the emotions well up and I act from pure emotion.I do try and apologize or fix things after wards, but frankly, I think New Orleans would have been better if Katrina had never hit rather than all this slow moving fixing going on.
Rob and I had a . . . moment, for lack of a better word. I think it was the first time I ever really felt crushed and heart broken - not bad for 12 years of marriage. But the madness and sadness descended and I started pulling in - I deleted the blog, I canceled Facebook, I refused to go to my Thursday night class and dinner was made, on time, every night this week and the dishes promptly done. I kept the kids with me all the time rather than relegating them to their father's care. In short, I tried to become the perfect wife.
Of course, like all my dramatic moments, the moment passed. I haven't talked about it all with Robert yet - I'm not sure how to do so. Sometimes, I think the hardest part about my marriage is feeling like the other person really hears what I have to say; that he see ME and not the image of me he holds in his head.
So, I'm starting my blog again. Reopened my Facebook account and am going to choir today despite telling myself that I wouldn't (Robert doesn't like me going to choir).
At the end of the day, I am me, beauties, curses and all, and my marriage will never work unless I am me.
So.
Breathe.
Turn the page.
And start the next chapter. (But NOT as a Stepford wife.)
Why doesn't he like it that you go to choir? Is it just that he feels saddled with the kids? Does he get an evening to himself also? Sometimes that fixes things.
ReplyDeletehahahaha. I am soooooo relating to this. OK, read my latest poem (on my blog which has, DRAMATICALLY gone private.)
ReplyDeleteLove ya girl. Glad you're back.
Undoubtedly a tough thing to work through - my heart goes out to you both! And - to genericize - harder for you as a woman, because we relate to these with emotion that men don't perhaps see at first blush. Hang in there, girlfriend - he loves you for YOU.
ReplyDeleteGlad to read your thoughts again. They "touch" more people than you know. :)
ReplyDeleteI was stunned to see comments. Since I restarted the blog, I haven't tweaked all the settings to the way I like them and, as such, haven't been getting emails when someone comments. I just figured no one was reading - which is a way, is very freeing.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for the love.
SC - Rob doesn't like me going to choir as Sunday is a family day and we should spend it together. This has been an ongoing battle because I love to sing (even though I'm clearly only a choir alto) and it's only one hour a week. I think I made a stink early in our marriage that I wanted him home on Sunday and he won't let me forget it, despite the fact that times have changed. A warning to all new wives: be careful what you whine for.
I am glad that your blog is back, otherwise I have to face the reality that you really don't live here anymore. This way I can just keep pretending that I just missed seeing you by I second. I sure I saw you driving around town yesterday:)
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