I feel as though I whine far, far too much but here I am again, struggling to breathe and to not cry and very much needing to pour out my heart.
The designated quarantine time has ended and I took Jenny into the Humane Society this morning. This was very difficult for me. Jenny really does like people and while she was in quarantine she would run to my side and beg for loves and petting every time I would visit. Her fur is so soft. She purrs so loudly. Everything about her was asking me to keep her and give her one more try; this is so why I did not want to quarantine the cat and wanted to give her away while the memory of my 6yo daughter hurt and crying was fresh in my ears.
But I did it.
I asked the handler if she was adjusting okay. The handler said that she was. I nodded and spoke my thanks and then sat in my van and cried. I cried all the way home.
I still have to clean out her litter box and give away the rest of her food and such. I'm putting those chores off as long as I can.
On top of this heartache, I am really struggling with loneliness. I pick up the phone to talk to friends and they are rarely available. That, or they're tired of hearing me whine.
I was supposed to go to a book club on Friday night but part of my loneliness is feeling so disconnected from the women around me and not really having a desire to put forth the effort required to connect.
On top of this (am I to the cherry yet?), I feel as though God is leading me to read better books (read: non-escapist literature) and to watch better TV/movies, which leaves me feeling as though I have no escape from this life that has become difficult. No cat to pet, no wonderland to run off to but plenty of sorrow, loneliness and despair. I do feel that I need to get through these feelings. I think that part of my difficulty is that I have always, back and back to being a young adolescent, run from these feelings and either buried them with food or escaped them with sleep or brain candy books and movies. Feeling all these feelings is hard and more real than I want.
So today I'm sad.
And I am a little nervous and despairing that I am not up to the task of moving forward and through this.
I'm so, so sorry about your cat. Even knowing that something is for the best doesn't make it easier. Giving up a beloved pet is so hard. Let yourself grieve. As far as non-escapist literature and movies, is there a good balance that you can strike? Better books and movies doesn't mean that you have to be reading Thomas Hardy and watching depressing Swedish films all the time. Persuasion and A Room with a View aren't the cinematic equivalent of cotton candy (mmmmmm....cotton candy), but they don't make you want to walk off a cliff, either. and heaven knows i love a good walk-off-a-cliff movie, but sometimes i need a good book or movie that doesn't make me feel like i've been run over by a car.
ReplyDeletethinking of you.
You should call me and whine to me. My phone # is on my facebook info page.
ReplyDeleteThese comments made me very happy.
ReplyDeleteZ - I am quite sad about what is left to watch. It's amazing once you remove heavy violence, sexual innuendo and pre/extra-marital sex how little is left. I'm currently reading Anne of Green Gables.
And, is it bad to admit?, I didn't like Room with a View. And then I watched Howard's End and I was left wondering why every one likes EM Forester so much. Perhaps I should actually read the books?
BiV - if I ever get brave enough, I really will.