Religion, Family and Sunshine

We have had so much sunshine.  And warmth.  I was even able to plunge into the ocean.  (Of course, that's not saying much.)  I've been wearing shorts.  And fanning myself.  And turning on the ac in our car.

I. love. it!!  I feel like summer and spring and all good things warm have finally descended on our little island, just when I despaired of ever seeing them again.

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I'm still working on the anger/marriage thing.  I find that I have a lot of anger revolving around my faith and my family.  Robert hasn't really come to church with us since his father arrived to help us build our house, opting instead to help his dad.  His dad has no faith and doesn't like relaxing at home so he's been working seven days a week. I understand that Robert is wanting our house built and wanting to help his dad while he can.  I also understand that he feels guilty sitting and relaxing while his dad is working so hard to build our house.

But....

As I sit alone with my children in church, I feel resentful.  And alone.

Robert is the only member in his family; his parents raised him Catholic although neither his mother nor his father seem to have any religious life anymore.  When we married in the temple, no one in his family could come.  12 years later, that's still a sore point.  When his whole family wants to go out to eat or go out as a family on Sunday, we have been the abstainers.  And that has been a sore point.

My frustration, though, is that I feel that all that resentment comes down on me.  After all, they did not raise their son to have those beliefs and they feel that he does NOT currently hold those beliefs and only makes such choices to please me, but I am the evil Mormon girl who has torn their family apart.

I have lived with this for the last 12 years and now, when we have an opportunity to stand together and for Robert to show his beliefs, his choice is to work with his father and NOT to accompany me to church.

And that bothers me.

It also bothers me to sit there during the sacrament and have my children pester me about what we're doing tonight, not being able to find clothes, are they going to get candy, what do I think. . . .sometimes I feel like standing up and yelling, "SIT DOWN!  BE QUIET!  AND FEEL THE LOVE OF JESUS!!!"

Clearly, that would be contrary to the Spirit.

So I sit. And I stew.  And I pray for the resentment to be gone.

But every week it seems to rear its head.

How do I let go of all this anger and expectation and resentment and just worship God and seek to SHOW my children by my own choices how to worship and be reverent?

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Previous statement aside, after posting all my baggage on my blog, I am feeling remarkably light and much happier.  Maybe it's just all that aforementioned sunshine. . . .

My Personal Item

I realized that when I said that I would be unpacking baggage, I only posted once and really, I've got so much more to unload.  I know - such whining and self pity!  But it's my blog and I'll whine if I want to.

Today was Mother's Day, a day filled with conflict for me.

I missed my mom.  That thought rung so strong and true this year as I have been living in turmoil and uncertainty and needing, so desperately, a mother's hug and to hear her tell me that it will all be okay.

I also felt disappointed by my husband and my ward.  Every Sunday I am the one who gets the family out the door looking half ready for church and get us settled in the pews.  I pack and lug the back with the children's notebooks, tissues and Friend magazine.  I remind everyone to go to the bathroom and get drinks, etc.  DH rolls out of bed 15 minutes before it's time to leave, throws on some clothes and away we roll.

Today, he didn't even do that much.

I think he joined us about half way through the meeting.  It was hard for me to let go of my resentment and anger.  Because if I was a fish, he would have been up at 4am.

Today, due to a series of unfortunate events, was fast Sunday.

The angel on my shoulder is telling me that this was a perfect day for a fast Sunday and that I could have used this opportunity to recognize the real strength in my mothering - God - and given up my pride and served Him whose day this truly it.

But I'm too much of a heathen.

I tried to be good.  I assured my children that since they couldn't make me breakfast in bed - which they actually really enjoy doing - they could fast for me instead.  Trust me - I could so, so use those blessings!  My 11 year old was the only one who managed to fast.  My 9 and 6 year old whined and whined about how hungry they were so I told them to just go eat.  I wasn't trying to be harsh but in my head all I could think about was that Eliza (6) had fasted for our neighbor when she was sick and that both of them had fasted when Q (9) requested that we have a family fast for people with breast cancer.  YET THEY COULDN'T FAST FOR THEIR OWN MOTHER!!!  ON MOTHER'S DAY!!!

Yeah, that didn't help my bitterness.

And then, because they are 11, 9 and 6, they started fighting over the whole matter and who loved me best and who had given me the best gift.

Please. stop. the. fighting!

Then there was the ward.  I was really frustrated with the whole idea of a fast on Mother's Day.

I hear time and time again from the prophets and apostles how important women are.  Mother's Day is, for me, when the church puts it's money where it's mouth is and spends a day actually showing us how important we are.  To give up this opportunity (and yes, I'm feeling like a swine as I type this) for a spiritual fast and actually focus solely on God, frustrated me.

There was no children's chorus about walking in meadows.

There were no primary cards with poems about the meaning of motherhood.

There were no talks on the sacredness of motherhood and how we are God's hands.

There were flowers - for which I was incredibly grateful as last year this ward didn't even do that.

But overall, I left feeling like it had been just another Sunday.

I know.

Get off my pity pot.

I know I'm wrong to feel so much resentment and anger over the progression of today but I'm unsure how to deal with it and let it go.

Do I just set down my bag and leave it unintended?

If I just stop talking about it, will it all go away?

How do I release anger without hurting others or myself?

How do I release resentment and not let it fester?

How do I feel cherished, important and love without the external trappings from other humans?  I know God should be enough but somehow He isn't.  Is it just that I'm not good enough yet?