Religion, Family and Sunshine

We have had so much sunshine.  And warmth.  I was even able to plunge into the ocean.  (Of course, that's not saying much.)  I've been wearing shorts.  And fanning myself.  And turning on the ac in our car.

I. love. it!!  I feel like summer and spring and all good things warm have finally descended on our little island, just when I despaired of ever seeing them again.

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I'm still working on the anger/marriage thing.  I find that I have a lot of anger revolving around my faith and my family.  Robert hasn't really come to church with us since his father arrived to help us build our house, opting instead to help his dad.  His dad has no faith and doesn't like relaxing at home so he's been working seven days a week. I understand that Robert is wanting our house built and wanting to help his dad while he can.  I also understand that he feels guilty sitting and relaxing while his dad is working so hard to build our house.

But....

As I sit alone with my children in church, I feel resentful.  And alone.

Robert is the only member in his family; his parents raised him Catholic although neither his mother nor his father seem to have any religious life anymore.  When we married in the temple, no one in his family could come.  12 years later, that's still a sore point.  When his whole family wants to go out to eat or go out as a family on Sunday, we have been the abstainers.  And that has been a sore point.

My frustration, though, is that I feel that all that resentment comes down on me.  After all, they did not raise their son to have those beliefs and they feel that he does NOT currently hold those beliefs and only makes such choices to please me, but I am the evil Mormon girl who has torn their family apart.

I have lived with this for the last 12 years and now, when we have an opportunity to stand together and for Robert to show his beliefs, his choice is to work with his father and NOT to accompany me to church.

And that bothers me.

It also bothers me to sit there during the sacrament and have my children pester me about what we're doing tonight, not being able to find clothes, are they going to get candy, what do I think. . . .sometimes I feel like standing up and yelling, "SIT DOWN!  BE QUIET!  AND FEEL THE LOVE OF JESUS!!!"

Clearly, that would be contrary to the Spirit.

So I sit. And I stew.  And I pray for the resentment to be gone.

But every week it seems to rear its head.

How do I let go of all this anger and expectation and resentment and just worship God and seek to SHOW my children by my own choices how to worship and be reverent?

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Previous statement aside, after posting all my baggage on my blog, I am feeling remarkably light and much happier.  Maybe it's just all that aforementioned sunshine. . . .