Insecurities

I have a hard time making friends.

Don't get me wrong; I gather acquaintances quite rapidly.  But friends, true deep, can completely be myself and never worry about what they think of me?  Those are hard to find.  I often feel as though I'm the kind of person that everyone befriends only on a surface level, a "Hi.  How ya doin?" at church kind of level but then studiously avoids any deeper relationship because I'm just too high maintenance.

I also often wonder how much of that problem is my own perception of myself.

I've filled out those silly little questionnaire memes that ask you all your favorites.  One of the questions, "Would you be friends with yourself?" always stops me cold.  I. don't. know.  I'm dramatic and overly emotional and I cry so often even I get annoyed.  It's hard, on some days, to find anything redeeming in myself.

I also struggle more than I should with what others think of me.  I started taking "happy pills" over two years ago.  There were so helpful and gave me the boost I needed to deal with my mother's death and move along in the grieving process.  I weaned myself off (yes, under my physicians supervision) only to have the two most important people in my life suggest that perhaps I should go back on.  I found their statements devastating as I felt like the two people I entrusted myself with didn't like me the way I am; they like me better a bit more stable and medicated.

There are days when I ask God why He created me as He did and what the value is to be found in all these emotions and idiosyncrasies of mine.  Most days I can't find an answer.

John recently wrote a beautiful post wherein he stated the following:

It was a very clear revelation. The Spirit simply said: "Do not pass through those doors if there is any doubt in your mind that you are equal to every single other person who walks through those doors. You are not inferior in any way. You are as deserving and worthy of every blessing your Heavenly Father desires pour out on every single one of his children. Do not enter without knowing that."

 I know that his struggle is different from mine, but I have often felt the same way.  I see women and men all around me who seem so much more together than me.  It certainly doesn't help that after almost 20 years of work, a college education and lots of wishing and dreaming that I find myself basically back where I was at the age of 16.  I feel like I'm stuck in mud and spinning my wheels unable, perhaps unwilling, to actually go anywhere.  I self-sabotage.  I start healthy habits and follow them religiously only to abandon them completely after just a few days.

I wish I had a point or some conclusion.  I find that frequently with blogging there is no nice little bow to tie at the end of these posts.  I would like to say that by reading John's post I've been inspired that I am enough and that I can accept myself, warts and all, as a beloved daughter of God but while I believe all that to be true, I just don't BELIEVE all that to be true.

And so I struggle.

And cry.

And eat some chocolate.

*sigh*