Can't Sleep

It's 10:35pm and I'm so tired my eyes have that dry burn to them.

I tried to sleep but every time I force my body to be still, my brain begins to whir and a knot of anxiety settles into my stomach.

Why so much anxiety?

Rafe hasn't finished his Million Dollar Project (MDP), which is due tomorrow.  He's only in 5th grade but he was up until 10pm tonight working on it and will have to turn it in a day late.  The assignment is to use $1,000,000 to create something of benefit to our local community.  Rafe has decided on doing a hands-on science museum with experiments, a classroom for more in-depth study and information about different scientists, who they were and their contributions to science.  Believe it or not, he has managed to spend only about $200,000.  So now, the night before it's all due, he's trying to figure out what to do with the other 800k. 

And I realize that this is NOT my assignment and that it is NOT my responsibility, but the knot of anxiety is still there.

Further, I just got a call from our local school district; Q and Eliza have been accepted into the Montessori program and while there is not an official position available for Rafe, the woman I spoke with was fairly certain that he could get a spot there since both of his siblings were attending.  So my musings have now turned into a "definite decision needed" and I find myself so undecided.

I want a crystal ball.

I want to look into the future and know, without question, that I am making the best decision for all of my children.  I am so uncertain and there are so many variables and I HATE that.  I like things to be clear, concise and easy to understand.  I like to be right.  Not just right, but unquestionably right.  And there is just no "right" answer to this quandary.

Further, Q has been having problems at school.  He has ADHD, which is most noticeable in his lack of impulse control and his abundance of energy.  His teacher and I have met and discussed the matter at length and we have even tried different methods to help him (a wiggle seat, a special pencil holder, writing in pen so he has to move more slowly and avoid mistakes) but he is still struggling with his tendency to fidget and drum on any available surface (including his chest if no other surface is available).

I've seen what mainstream school offers him and it is so little, despite his intelligence, because of his behavior problems.  It is my hope that the Montessori school, with smaller classroom sizes and a more flexible schedule, would be a better fit.  Then again, there is quite a bit of time with no overt schedule.

See?

What to do?  What to do?

Every time I talk myself into one decision, I find a million reason why I should make the other decision.

And when I pray, I find momentary peace but then the knot quickly returns, which is making it difficult for me to hear any still small voice beyond my own anxiety.