Steel Sieve, People, Steel Sieve

Last night, Raph had karate and Q was at cub camp.  After I dropped Raph off, I went shopping for a few necessities: cheese, chicken and bread.  (I tried to think of a "ch" word for bread, but no dice.  Unfortunately, it wasn't chia bread. *sigh* My literary aspirations are constantly thwarted by reality. . . . but I digress.)

After the store, I picked up Raph, dropped some stuff at a friend's house and waited for Q to get back from camp.  We finally got home at about 9:30pm.

This morning, at 5:45am, as I stood in my happy bubble of a shower, I suddenly realized, "THE CHICKEN!"

My 10# bag of frozen chicken breasts had been sitting in the back of my van.

10. pounds.

So at 6am, making lunches and breakfast for my chitlins, I'm boiling water to quickly cook the chicken so I can freeze it.

Seriously?!

I used to have a brain. . . . I wonder where it's gone?

Mysteries Solved

After living here for almost a year, the mystery regarding the piles of dirt, cement blocks with holes and large logs has been revealed; apparently we host a mining/logging celebration.

May I say, it was fab.u.lous?

Our town usually hosts a large 4th of July celebration.  This celebration is one of the only opportunities the residents here are able to enjoy the sweet delights of cotton candy, the vast entertainment of pony rides and fishing ponds.  Needless to say, the lines are loong.  We may not have very many residents, but ALL of them show up and ALL of them want the good stuff.

Fortunately, not so many of them want to participate in a mining/logging celebration.  Which means: SHORT LINES.

Seriously.  Lulu's pony ride?  There was no waiting involved.  We paid our money, didn't even need a ticket because there was hardly anyone there, put on a helmet and by the time she looked up, the horse she wanted was ready to ride.

Cotton candy?  You just walk up, plunk down the cash and walk away with sweet, sticky fluff. Mmmmm....


The only long wait involved the opportunity to operate a front-end loader (you know - Scoop).  Quinn was the only one who signed up.  $5 bought an awesome hat and the opportunity to use Scoop to knock down colored balls, with the matching colored tine on the scoop, and pick up a ring and move it to the other side of the area. 1 hour wait, but so. much. fun.

Also, for the mercenary side of parenting, part of the deal in the celebration is that the companies themselves trying to establish goodwill in the communities (read that as plenty of free options).  Gold panning: FREE!  Children's Carnival (fishing pond, ring toss, helium balloons, bean bag toss, all with prizes): FREE!  Mining hat key rings with a built-in light: FREE!  Candy at every booth: FREE!

My kids had a blast.  They even deigned to watch a competitor or too but watching grown men shovel dirt, no matter how quickly it's done, really isn't that entertaining.

The logging events are tomorrow and I'm debating about dropping by, just on a casual Sabbath day stroll, so I can see some poor schmuck end up in the drink during the log rolling competition. 

My Failure as a Mother

My favorite 11yo in the entire world (also known as my oldest son Raph) lost his very last baby tooth.

A month ago.

No tooth fairy in sight.

Poor Raph.

He knows the truth so I know he just keeps blowing it off.  "Mom forgot. Again."

Really, I am just waiting for him to walk up to me some afternoon and say, "Look, the tooth's MIA - probably lost under the bed somewhere.  Can I just have my $1?"

POSITIVE

So much to tell.

However, I am trying something new.

I have been, if you haven't been able to tell already, completely overwhelmed by life.

I still am. 

It seems every time I begin to adjust and feel ready to handle the new challenges, something else pops up.  I feel like Gideon, watching as my army is whittled down by God from a mighty 70,000 (I think - don't quote me on it) to a whimpy one of 300.

But, afraid that the courts may just show up and mandate that my name be legally changed to Debbie Downer, I am determined to come up with something positive.

I am POSITIVE that there is more rain falling from our skies today than anywhere else in the world.

I am POSITIVE that, barring any angels or miraculous visions, after this Friday there will be no further additions to my family and that my baby is an ever aging 6 year old.  (And yes, I'm POSITIVE my husband will be THRILLED by the fact that I'm announcing this to all the world.)

I am POSITIVE, though I welcome being proved wrong, that we will be living with my father for another year as we wait for our home remodel to be finished.  ("Wait...what?!" you say, "What are you building? A home?!"  More details will follow, I'm POSITIVE, but they must wait as this computer is slower than honey being poured in Antarctica.)

I am POSITIVE that I will continue to remain married despite all of Robert's and my efforts in the contrary.

Hmmmm.....I am POSITIVE that my oldest son will make it to 12 but all bets are off after that.

Whew.

I'm exhausted.

So. much. positivity.

I think I need to lie down now.

Religion, Family and Sunshine

We have had so much sunshine.  And warmth.  I was even able to plunge into the ocean.  (Of course, that's not saying much.)  I've been wearing shorts.  And fanning myself.  And turning on the ac in our car.

I. love. it!!  I feel like summer and spring and all good things warm have finally descended on our little island, just when I despaired of ever seeing them again.

****

I'm still working on the anger/marriage thing.  I find that I have a lot of anger revolving around my faith and my family.  Robert hasn't really come to church with us since his father arrived to help us build our house, opting instead to help his dad.  His dad has no faith and doesn't like relaxing at home so he's been working seven days a week. I understand that Robert is wanting our house built and wanting to help his dad while he can.  I also understand that he feels guilty sitting and relaxing while his dad is working so hard to build our house.

But....

As I sit alone with my children in church, I feel resentful.  And alone.

Robert is the only member in his family; his parents raised him Catholic although neither his mother nor his father seem to have any religious life anymore.  When we married in the temple, no one in his family could come.  12 years later, that's still a sore point.  When his whole family wants to go out to eat or go out as a family on Sunday, we have been the abstainers.  And that has been a sore point.

My frustration, though, is that I feel that all that resentment comes down on me.  After all, they did not raise their son to have those beliefs and they feel that he does NOT currently hold those beliefs and only makes such choices to please me, but I am the evil Mormon girl who has torn their family apart.

I have lived with this for the last 12 years and now, when we have an opportunity to stand together and for Robert to show his beliefs, his choice is to work with his father and NOT to accompany me to church.

And that bothers me.

It also bothers me to sit there during the sacrament and have my children pester me about what we're doing tonight, not being able to find clothes, are they going to get candy, what do I think. . . .sometimes I feel like standing up and yelling, "SIT DOWN!  BE QUIET!  AND FEEL THE LOVE OF JESUS!!!"

Clearly, that would be contrary to the Spirit.

So I sit. And I stew.  And I pray for the resentment to be gone.

But every week it seems to rear its head.

How do I let go of all this anger and expectation and resentment and just worship God and seek to SHOW my children by my own choices how to worship and be reverent?

****

Previous statement aside, after posting all my baggage on my blog, I am feeling remarkably light and much happier.  Maybe it's just all that aforementioned sunshine. . . .

My Carry-On

Alternatively titled: I just really want to cry.

This last year has been difficult.  More difficult than I ever expected.  Should I take it as a measure of God's confidence in me that life seems to get more and more difficult?  Or should I just take it as a measure of my own self-defeating behaviors?  I'm never certain.

DH and I have been married for almost 13 years.

13 years of hard work.

When I first got married, I thought our marriage would be like my parents. They made it look ever so easy and fun.

I'm having a hard time finding the fun anymore.

We are arguing over ev.ery.thing.  Seriously.

The smallest comments seem to start a fight, even comments about how we don't want to start a fight.

For the first time, we both simultaneously want out.

Yet divorce is not really an option.  Religion aside, we both view marriage as a lifetime commitment.  We still love each other deeply.  And then there are the children.  When I was a teenager, I never understood why adults would want to stay together just for the children's sake.  Now that I'm a mom and wife, I totally get it.

I just don't know what to do.

I've been thinking lately about counseling but I have no idea how to find a counselor whom we both could work with.

It's funny, though.  I've been thinking of this post for the last several months.  This post was one of the reasons my blog moved and now that I'm typing it, I'm at a loss for words.

There have been so many times when I could have typed a long diatribe against my husband, listing his many faults and his many transgressions against me.

But right now, all I want to do is cry and wave a magic wand and make everything better.

Happily ever after better.

Can't Sleep

It's 10:35pm and I'm so tired my eyes have that dry burn to them.

I tried to sleep but every time I force my body to be still, my brain begins to whir and a knot of anxiety settles into my stomach.

Why so much anxiety?

Rafe hasn't finished his Million Dollar Project (MDP), which is due tomorrow.  He's only in 5th grade but he was up until 10pm tonight working on it and will have to turn it in a day late.  The assignment is to use $1,000,000 to create something of benefit to our local community.  Rafe has decided on doing a hands-on science museum with experiments, a classroom for more in-depth study and information about different scientists, who they were and their contributions to science.  Believe it or not, he has managed to spend only about $200,000.  So now, the night before it's all due, he's trying to figure out what to do with the other 800k. 

And I realize that this is NOT my assignment and that it is NOT my responsibility, but the knot of anxiety is still there.

Further, I just got a call from our local school district; Q and Eliza have been accepted into the Montessori program and while there is not an official position available for Rafe, the woman I spoke with was fairly certain that he could get a spot there since both of his siblings were attending.  So my musings have now turned into a "definite decision needed" and I find myself so undecided.

I want a crystal ball.

I want to look into the future and know, without question, that I am making the best decision for all of my children.  I am so uncertain and there are so many variables and I HATE that.  I like things to be clear, concise and easy to understand.  I like to be right.  Not just right, but unquestionably right.  And there is just no "right" answer to this quandary.

Further, Q has been having problems at school.  He has ADHD, which is most noticeable in his lack of impulse control and his abundance of energy.  His teacher and I have met and discussed the matter at length and we have even tried different methods to help him (a wiggle seat, a special pencil holder, writing in pen so he has to move more slowly and avoid mistakes) but he is still struggling with his tendency to fidget and drum on any available surface (including his chest if no other surface is available).

I've seen what mainstream school offers him and it is so little, despite his intelligence, because of his behavior problems.  It is my hope that the Montessori school, with smaller classroom sizes and a more flexible schedule, would be a better fit.  Then again, there is quite a bit of time with no overt schedule.

See?

What to do?  What to do?

Every time I talk myself into one decision, I find a million reason why I should make the other decision.

And when I pray, I find momentary peace but then the knot quickly returns, which is making it difficult for me to hear any still small voice beyond my own anxiety.